WTF? America: How to Survive 101 of the Worst F*#!-ing Situations in the United States
Gregory Bergman, Jodi Miller
Language: English
Pages: 250
ISBN: 2:00329319
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
You made 40 grand last year--and got to keep almost half after taxes . . .
A poorly timed joke at the airport has you on the Do Not Fly list . . .
It just cost you 60 bucks to fill up your 1998 Kia . . .
Welcome to WTF? America: The land of the free . . . and the home of the totally f*#!ed.
Whether you made the mistake of messing with (a drunk guy in a bar from) Texas or a Red Sox fan spit on your car just for having New York plates, the mighty U.S. of A. is sure to screw over everyone at some point or another. But hey, these colors don't run--and that's where Gregory Berman and Jodi Miller come in.
Join the authors of the bestselling WTF? series on a state-by-state road trip through our greatly infuriating nation. Whether you're trying to figure out how to stay in shape in America's fattest state (Mississippi) or just want to dodge your town's local "smog tax," this survival guide is certain to entertain.
From sea to polluted sea, it's exactly what you need when America has you screaming, "What the f*#!?"
Football-Crazed Town OPTION #1 Get drunk. You don’t have to watch the game to watch the game. Get wasted and hit on chicks the whole time during football Sundays. You do like girls, don’t you? OPTION #2 Study random facts. Just memorize a few obscure facts about the NFL so that by dropping these facts people think you like the game even if you aren’t watching. OPTION #3 Date a cheerleader. At least you’ll put that gay rumor to rest. Then when the game is on TV and everyone is talking
Approach to Sayings That Don’t Make Any F*#!-ing Sense OPTION #1 Stop being lame. Stop being a total fucking geek and lose the expression. You’re a grown man for Christ’s sake. And you wonder why you can’t get laid. Come up with an alternative, hipper version of the expression, something that also denotes a feeling of being outside a comfortable and familiar place. Substitute “Kansas” for something more gangsta. “Looks like we aren’t in the South Bronx anymore”—something like that. OPTION #2
Overnight stays • Outdoor & indoor Jacuzzi fun • Fetish & fantasy • Couples and single ladies • Three-girls party • Food, fun (9½ weeks) • The porn star experience * * * for the ladies … Menu at the Dick Ranch Fix my sink Fix my car Fix my toilet Fix my water heater Fix my self-esteem * * * 80. What happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. You tried to be good. You really, really did. But she was sooo hot. And you were sooo drunk. And your girlfriend was sooo far away.
beer and be fine. You had to start slow. Start at a lower elevation and build your way up. Soon you’ll be able to reach the top of a mountain while drinking a case of beer. Now that’stalent. OPTION #2 Smoke up. It’s a fact that marijuana helps with nausea and headaches, which are some of the symtoms of altitude sickness, so go out and get that long overdue medical marijuana card and light up. Now you’ll really know what it means to be Rocky Mountain high. OPTION #3 Get an oxygen tank. You’re
OPTION #2 Splurge. Have dinner at regular prices and a regular time for a change. Don’t worry about the money and have a great time. You only live once, remember. And for anyone living in Florida, that one time is coming to an end really, really soon. OPTION #3 Take charge. Pull your wife by the arm (careful, she could fall and break a hip), and get her in the car so you can make it to the Early Bird. Who cares if she is not done putting on makeup? And really, at her age does it even matter?