Uncle John's Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes

Uncle John's Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes

Bathroom Readers' Institute

Language: English

Pages: 504

ISBN: 1592232663

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Aficionados of the Bathroom Reader have long remarked on Uncle John's ability to select quintessential quotations. The ever-accommodating Uncle John has responded to this shameless praise by flushing out the all-time best and most hilarious quotes to form this cunning compilation. Highlights include Five Things You Should Never Do ("Never test the depth of a river with both feet"), Seven Classic Shakespearean Insults ("Thy food is such as hath been belch'd on by infected lungs"), and pithy rock talk from the likes of Ozzy Osbourne, Neil Young, and Frank Zappa ("Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.").

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alison Skipworth: You seem to forget I’ve been an actress for forty years. Mae West: Don’t worry, dearie, your secret’s safe with me. “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” —Carol Burnett HOPE FOR THE FUTURE Ahh, the last page of the book. “There is nothing like a dream to create the future. Utopia today, flesh and blood tomorrow.” —Victor Hugo, Les Miserables “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only

bitch.’” —Waylon Jennings “Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” —Susan Ertz “Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone else has got to take care of all your details.” —Andy Warhol “Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.” —Wilson Mizner “I took a job as a grave digger because I thought it’d help me overcome my fear of death. When I started, the other guys in the

couldn’t give it up. By that time I was already famous.” —Mark Twain “If you can laugh at it, you can live with it.” —Erma Bombeck SCHOTT IN THE FOOT Some sports personalities are famous for their arms (Roger Clemens or maybe Barry Bonds); others for their legs (David Beckham). Marge Schott, former owner of the Cincinnati Reds, is one of the few who was famous for her mouth. “Only fruits wear earrings.” —Explaining the club ban on wearing earrings on the field “Everybody knows he was

—Oscar Wilde “If you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” —Margaret Thatcher “Men need sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally; women need emotional fulfillment in order to respond to a man sexually.” —Ellen King “Men play the game; women know the score.” —Roger Woddis “Women fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” —Sharon Stone “A historic operation occurred in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a

couldn’t they just give him some cereal!?” —Carlton, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air ON SEX… “One person’s always disappointed. So far, I’ve been lucky; it’s always been the woman.” —Lewis, The Drew Carey Show “Men don’t like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to, you know, lower cuddling.” —Ray, Everybody Loves Raymond ON RELATIONSHIPS… Brenda: “I don’t want any children.” Nate: “Whoa. Hey. Who said anything about children?” The purr-fect life: Cats sleep an average of 16 hours per

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