The Last Testament: A Memoir by God
Language: English
Pages: 0
ISBN: B0061YX5BU
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post-Simon Cowell era.
Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.
As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft.
For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith's. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.
But The Last Testament doesn't just look back. It also offers God's perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:
- Why he loves America
- What he listens for in a good prayer
- Which sports teams he really roots for
- Which celebrities are totally gay
Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It's the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and "worshipers", but to anyone who's ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.
it was desperately seeking to be actualized; and that it was looking for a God—any God—to make it happen; and that it was willing to do anything—anything—to see that it did. 16 And so, in a moment of weakness, I Banged it. 17 And then the whole thing kind of exploded from there; and that is how it all got started; 18 This thing with the other universe, I mean. 19 And I must further confess that I have visited it sporadically ever since, during my intermittent historical lacunae. 20
their lives: families would peek into the windows of one another’s clay hovels, and peer atop their hearths, and comment upon the size of each other’s bread; 15 Or a wife would stop by next door with a fresh-baked “high loaf,” on the pretense of being friendly, but in truth simply to demonstrate to her neighbor, that her husband was rolling in yeast. 16 So Aaron explained I would be adopting a zero-tolerance policy regarding leavening, not even a single slice “for the road”; and that all
But always in the back of my infinite mind I held fast to my belief that his entire mission and descent was foolish and demeaning. 7 This belief only intensified as the time of his great ordeal neared; for I am ashamed to admit that I dreaded it, not for the agony it would cause my child, but for the damage I feared such a public humiliation might have on my reputation. 8 Lo, I feared playing the aggrieved Billy Ray to Jesus’s wayward Miley. 9 Well do I recall the Last Supper; it was
role in shaping Swiss theology—the most boring aspect of the boringest nation on earth. Thanks, Protestantationalism®!” —Ullrich Zwingli, Zurich, Switzerland 81“I was so insufferably pompous I needed an entire ocean’s worth of space between myself and the continent I was holier than. Thanks to Protestantationalism®, I got it, and today I’m running my own witch trials!”—Cotton Mather, Plymouth, Massachusetts 82 “Zagnutab utta butta zhoot, yorma mitder pfffffffellen zordyx! Klee! Klee klee
leaping out of his chair yelling, “Hugo Chavez!” 19 Our omens, however, are much more unambiguous; moreover—and this is the real reason we are putting so much effort into them—they are fun. 20 We had a great time writing them, the boys and I; it was like the Ten Plagues all over again; and I know we shall have a good time turning them into reality, as we shall the mysterious, terrifying, indescribably inconceivable events of December 21, 2012; 21 The very first of which, against my own