Humor in Uniform
Language: English
Pages: 224
ISBN: 0762109297
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
This side-splitting collection of humor delivers hundreds of the best jokes, anecdotes, cartoons, quotes, and stories from men and women in the armed forces or their families proving that life is often funnier than fiction.
If laughter is the best medicine, then look no further to cure whatever ails you. The column “Offbase,” formally known as “Humor in Uniform,” has appeared in the Reader's Digest magazine for over half a century, and has published more than 3,500 jokes, quotes, and funny stories from the more than a million readers who have submitted them. This volume—from the world’s #1 source of humor—contains laugh-out-loud gems from one of Reader’s Digest’s most popular columns.
This side-splitting collection of humor delivers hundreds of the best jokes, anecdotes, cartoons, quotes, and stories from men and women in the armed forces or their families proving that life is often funnier than fiction. Such as:
· From a Family Member: My son regaled me with stories about how they do things in the modern Air Force. Being an old Air Force man myself, I scoffed at their complicated methods. “That’s not the way we did it when I was in the service,” I said. “Yeah,” he shot back. “But when you were in, there were only two pilots, Wilbur and Orville”
— Ted Shirley
· From an Army Soldier: Our Army Unit was overseas conducting maneuvers with the Marines. On shift one night, a Marine asked my sergeant where he was from. “I’m originally from Central America,” said the sergeant. “Oh, yeah?” asked the Marine. “Kansas?”
— David Denbek
· From Iraq: At the end of a tough day in Iraq, my daughter, the airman, collapsed onto the first seat in the transport truck, forcing everyone else to climb over her. “Private!” hollered the sergeant, “Skinny girls get in the back so when we men get on with our weapons and equipment, we don’t have to climb over you. Have I made myself clear?” Suddenly my daughter perked up, “Do you really think I’m skinny?”
— Margaret Culbertson
· About the Military: A soldier stationed at Fort Bliss, Texas, actually got a letter addressed to “Fort Ignorance.” “How did you know where to deliver it?” she asked the mailman. “We were stumped at first,” he admitted. “But then I remembered, ignorance is bliss.”
— William De Graf
For yourself, a friend, or family member—what could be better than the gift of laughter?
“my trash,” and to the racks we slept in as “my racks.” One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making “head calls,” our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?!” — KATHY VANDENBRINK When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings in their footlockers, write their last names and first initials on the containers, and report back for inspection. A few minutes later, the
and he tied my tie. “Sorry, but this is the only way I know how,” he said. “Comes from practicing on my father’s clients.” “What does your father do?” “He’s a mortician.” — HOWARD MARSHALL One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class. First up was Private O’Malley. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105 mm howitzer. “Two-nine-oh-seven, sir,” was the reply. “Soldier,” said the colonel, “don’t you know you never say “oh” in the
because we were running low on fuel, my crew chief asked me to fly down and hover alongside the ship’s bridge. I obliged and I could see the captain of the ship look at us, then frantically pick up the phone. Within seconds we were given clearance to land. “What did you do?” I asked the crew chief, amazed. “Not much,” he answered nonchalantly. “I just held their mailbag out the door.” — KIM SHELDON Rocks and Other Difficulties My parents scoffed, but I knew my college degree in geology would
DIANE HASTINGS Our bulletin announced the upcoming Secretary of the Army Awards, given to those who “reduce consumption of printed material. Submit nominations using DA Form 1256 (include six copies) plus all documentation.” — WILLIAM PAQUIN I’ve concluded that the military has more rules than bullets. What convinced me? A simple memo. “To whom it may concern,” it began innocently enough. “This memo was misdirected to my department and I am forwarding it on to you. I have erased my initials
sternly, as he pointed to me, “that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it.” — E. M. CROSSMAN As a fluid-dynamics engineer, I was invited to give a lecture at a classified meeting attended by military officials. To break the ice, I began my talk with a joke. Several days later, at a restaurant, I ran into a naval officer who had heard my speech. “Would you mind repeating that joke here?” he asked. “That way it won’t be considered confidential anymore, and I can tell