How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide
Aaron Goldfarb
Language: English
Pages: 372
ISBN: 0982941102
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
How to Fail is the world's FIRST Self-Hurt Guide, the polar opposite of a self-help guide. In How to Fail, follow the misadventures, misgivings, and massive mistakes of this satiric novel's narrator, Stu Fish, as he tries to find success in 2010 New York. With hilarious chapters such as "How to Fail to Make Your Parents Proud of You," "How to Fail to Do Something Productive All Day," "How to Fail in Love," and "How to Fail All the Way to Rock Bottom," and even more ribald "footchapters" such as "How to Masturbate at Work," "How to Develop an Addiction," "How to Get Usurped by Your Girlfriend's Ex," and "How to Acquire the STD That's Right for You," there's not an aspect of life that How to Fail doesn't tackle and offer a terrific non-solution for. All of this is delivered in perfect single serving-size chapters for our modern A.D.D. culture more used to reading blog entries on their phones while riding the subway or waiting in line at Subway than in carefully reading a book.
you to community college.” “And I'm great in bed. Hundreds of satisfied customers before the age of twenty-five.” “Don't make me cry, sweetie.” My mom grabbed for her napkin. “Don't worry, Mom, now I'm a monogamous man. With a ten-out-of-ten.” My father shook his head in dismay. “OK fine, dad, she's an eight and a half. That's still pretty good.” Sissy's phone vibrated and she looked at a text. “Holy schnikeys! The mayor's turtle just got stepped on by some klutzy secretary. He's being
That's why I quit making friendly conversation. That's why I barely know what my friends do. Career-wise, that is. I know far too much about their private lives. For some reason the wives love to confide in me. “Pillow talk” sans the pillow. At first I thought these women wanted to sleep with me. Why else would they tell me about their husband's hypogonadism? The fact that Jack was a virgin before they met? Or that Keith thinks only whores give head? I thought these women were trying to flirt
Stuart Fish.” I approached the bench through waist-level swinging doors that made me feel like I was entering a Wild West saloon. Gunfight at the OK Coral. Lying My Ass Off at Debt Court. They didn't even swear me in. The probably just assumed everyone at debt court was a liar. Or an atheist. Judge Dean examined some papers. “TMI claims you have rung up a debt of $5245.72. Do you agree with that, Mr. Fish?” “I don't.” “Oh, you don't?” In debt court judges talk to you like they are a parent
sex once a month with their wives. One day we're scraping together coins to buy a pizza, the next, they're bitching about $180 prix fixes. One day we're trying to figure out whether a twelve dollar pitcher or a fifteen dollar bucket of beers is a better deal, the next, I'm being asked whether I'd like my glass freshened from a $125 bottle of single malt or a $90 bottle of blended. One day we're considering going to Thailand because we hear the drugs are cheap and the women cheaper, the next,
stuff like that (literary technique) in the middle portion of the book was dope. i reread it so many times that i made myself late and only had (smallish unit of time) to get readie for my date w/ dat honey that just moved in da spot below me. da 1 wit da big ass(punctuation). she musta liked my flow tho because she didn't care that i did a (bodily function) before i unleashed my (body part) and did some (things bodies do with bodies) all up in her. much more fun that reading shit like (classic