The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life
Eugene Mirman
Language: English
Pages: 240
ISBN: 0061346187
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
No one understands the complexities of modern life better than Eugene Mirman--claims Eugene Mirman—and anyone seeking guidance from a man who has lived through everything (except the Great Depression, the Spanish-American War, and Jerry Lee Lewis's sex scandal) won't resist this charmingly hysterical guidebook.
- Become ultra-popular in high school (without "putting out" -- whatever that is)
- Discover somewhere between four and two thousand ways to overcome social anxiety (closer to four)
- Start a band, become an artist, or disappoint your parents by getting on a reality television show!
Vietnam, the Spanish-American War, and World War I. The First Anglo-Chinese war—also known as the First Opium War—was actually fought over an incredibly awkward date. Half of mankind spends its time trying to make sure there is food, while the other half is trying to figure out love and relationships. (That is a real fact from a Stanford study.) Way more than 240 plays have been written about love, and there are close to 4,000 paintings warning young adults about love’s dangers. All sorts of
thousand dollars from a relative and buy a building with some buddies near Arkansas. Then, pick either machine parts, sneakers, or whatever and make them. Next, you’ll need to hire a porn star to fuck your product on camera. Upload that to the user section of CNN.com, if there is one. Within a week you should get orders from the buyers at Sears, 122 THE WILL TO WHATEVS Costco, Caldor, Target, or Macy’s. If they don’t call, contact P. Diddy. He will know what to do. “If your business is in
the red, call the P. Diddy to get ahead.” — Eugene Mirman, from his inspirational corporate lecture series I Imagine P. Diddy Knows How To Run a Business Internet and Software Startups This is pretty much where all the big money is. If you were one of the lucky kids who got a PC Jr. or Apple IIc in 1985 and got heavily involved in the world of BBSs, Pascal, C++, and Logo, you already know this because you are reading this book from a helicopter that you can fly anywhere in the world and throw
would masturbate in amphitheaters to Homer’s Iliad out of respect. (Public masturbation as an expression of approval became frowned upon only in 1865, at the end of the American Civil War.) Philosophers and kings regarded art as the height of human accomplishment. Schopenhauer thought art (not entertainment, but they are so intertwined) was one of the few things that could break through the world of illusion that we all live in. (He was wrong—it was Go-GURT, the portable yogurt. Wait, how was
(1) in case someone walks in while you’re reading, and (2) to protect your privates from my scalding, steamy knowledge. After you read my book, you will laugh at how unfulfilled self-actualized people are—because you will be Over-Actualized, a form of self-actualization that is 245 percent better than regular Maslovian actualization. You won’t be able to move things with your mind (except your penis, breasts, arms, etc.), but you will master . . . the Will to Whatevs. Preface II The Treasure of