The Doomsday Survival Handbook: Bucket Lists for Every Conceivable Apocalypse
Language: English
Pages: 256
ISBN: 1402272235
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
It's The End Of The World...So Now What?
It's a fact: in some form or another, Doomsday is upon us, and you need to be as ready as possible for any and every eventuality. Zombies? Bring 'em on! The Rapture? No problem! Yorggh, the Colossal Moronic Space Creature? Uh, not much can be done there. This book will help you separate the threat from the chaff with its handy dandy checklists and recommendations. While it is important to remember that survival is not guaranteed, this book will certainly* improve your odds of survival.
Discover How To Survive Anything, Including:
•An invasion of space spiders
•The return of dinosaurs
•Global warming
•Man-eating ponies
•The planet eater thing from Star Trek
*Certainty not guaranteed
responding to the primal call. The fanciest poodles with simply the cutest cuts will turn on their handlers and rip out the throats and ankles of as many humans as they can reach. Oh, there will be leg humping, but of the fatal variety. Estimated Length of Disaster: The Dog Show Disaster will only last one evening but will be the first volley in the werewolves’ effort to make their presence known. No more living in darkness or fear for them. And no more of that crappy generic kibble. Percentage
history’s highlight reel. Percentage of Population Affected: We won’t lie to you—this is a biggee. At least 94% of all life could be exterminated by the multiple eco-dominos falling. It’ll take a few years for the full impact to be felt, but this humdinger will be worth the wait. The “Is anyone else in here warm?” list: GLOBAL WARMING BUCKET LIST Don’t buy bagged ice—there’ll be plenty to go around. If you like disasters, this one will be grand. Every style and flavor of catastrophe will
Bruntosan Country Club and Slaughterhouse. If you’re lucky enough to see a portal and it shows you a picture of a swell setting, for Pete’s sake, jump! Buy a box of earplugs. It’s theorized that the end of existence makes a terrific racket! If you are exposed to a portal and decide to enter it, consider lubing up really well first (mineral oil, butter, what have you) to ease the pain associated with “interdimensional penetration.” Prior to the cataclysm, take in as much science as you can,
darkest thoughts and directs you to get revenge on those three bullies from junior high. You laugh maniacally as you track each one down and the roaches clean their bones. Bwahahahaa!!!… Uhhh, okay, maybe the Scarab isn’t the best idea. Is there a roach CEO that can be reasoned with concerning this invasion? What are the roaches’ long-term goals? Where do they see themselves in five years? Would they be willing to back off if the planet’s daily garbage was given directly to them? Open a
which will look like our planetary armor’s been bedazzled. Cool! Throw Mars at the Saw—see if that slows it down. Organize a prayer chain that will ask God to pick up His stuff. No calling the Saw a “tool”—best not to hurt its feelings. Coordinate a planetwide defense effort with Bob Vila. That guy is always full of handy ideas. And he sure can rock the plaid! Ask David Copperfield to make the Earth disappear right before the Saw hits. And then have him bring us right back! Oooooo, magic!