Something Smells Like Pee: and Other Classy Observations
Blythe Jewell
Language: English
Pages: 101
ISBN: 1481215620
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Humorist/writer/artist Blythe Jewell offers a selection of humor poems and illustrations about everything from killing plants to finding hair in all the wrong places. Random, potty-mouthed, silly and sometimes sweet, this quirky collection will make you laugh, cry and nod your head in conspiracy. The 60+ titles include "Hair in My Ass Crack,” “Shut the F*&! Up About Twilight,” “On Our Periods Together,” “Neil Patrick Harris Gets the Paddle,” “Leave the F*#&ing Cat Alone,” "Anne Hathaway Makes Me Uncomfortable," and many more.
still. I really, really, just really wanted to unfriend you first. MATT DAMON I once read a book about Telepathic Mental Currents and every day since I have sent out Love Vibes that are very very very strong Each day I reach out to him with my love and all my mental passion I carefully repeat my phone number over and over and over I don’t know why he hasn’t called. NOT SLEEPING There's a cramp in my left leg and a sharp pain in my neck When I get up in
40 and think, Now my life will be simple then you look in the mirror and find a big pimple. And you’re all, What the fuck? Life’s not tough enough with the face sag and age spots and old people stuff? A fortune I spend fighting “Over the Hill,” now you’re saying I also must buy Clearasil? This is bullshit, you think. It’s so out of line to have pimples and wrinkles at the same time! 40, you suck! (you think, in disgrace) If I could, I’d punch you right in your fat
its face that’s so misshapen and hirsute I know you love it dearly, and I think that’s very sweet But, man, that baby’s ugly from gross head to nasty feet When I look at it I must suppress the urge to hurl I can’t even tell if it’s an ugly boy or girl When you hold and comfort it with, coochie coochie coo, I stand back and watch and just think, ew ew ew ew ew It’s not that I don’t sympathize with your situation I’m truly sorry you gave birth to such a strange mutation
Still, I can’t help thinking… (not that I’m tracking scores…) but my own sweet, pretty baby is so much better than yours. ODE TO THE TOWEL You clean up my messes, you soak up my spills, fresh from the dryer you chase away chills In the kitchen, you dry, clean and cover up treats In the car, you protect butts from hot leather seats At the gym, you wipe sweat and might act as a mat In the locker room, you hide me when I’m feeling fat I’m a white middle-classer, a
sincere! So earnest! So very intense! So wide! So bright! So big! So brown! So filled with emotion! It just feels inevitable that someday she will turn those sincere earnest wide bright big brown eyes in my direction and all of their intensity will burn a gaping hole deep into my face. LITTLE DICKS I know you’re little boys I know you’re only six but if you make my kid cry I will punch you in your dicks. LEARN TO MERGE You want to merge? Why yes, of course.