Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen
Language: English
Pages: 352
ISBN: 0143118447
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to:
• Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
• Start a conversation without defensiveness
• Listen for the meaning of what is not said
• Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations
• Move from emotion to productive problem solving
into a source of strength. Moving Toward a Learning Conversation Despite what we sometimes pretend, our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation is often to prove a point, to give them a piece of our mind, or to get them to do or be what we want. In other words, to deliver a message. Once you understand the challenges inherent in the Three Conversations and the mistakes we make in each, you are likely to find that your purpose for having a particular conversation begins to shift. You
Fisher Cambridge, Massachusetts Acknowledgments This book draws from many wells. The stories and conversations we share throughout the book come from our own lives and from our work with a diverse group of students, colleagues, and clients. For variety and to protect confidentiality, many of these stories are amalgams of different people’s experiences that shared common and important dynamics, and as a rule all identifying facts have been changed. We are deeply grateful to those we’ve worked
sometimes. When you get really busy, it’s like you don’t want to be bothered. The day you left you were in that kind of mood. I was trying to stay out of your way, because I didn’t want to add to your frustration. I had planned to double-check which boards you wanted when you got off the phone, but then I had to run to the copy center. After you left I remembered, but I knew you usually double-checked your briefcase, so I figured it was okay. You: Yeah, I do usually double-check, but this time I
engineers at your company, an old friend, has become a liability. Management has picked you to fire him. xvi Introduction You overheard your mother-in-law telling a neighbor that your sons are spoiled and undisciplined. As you prepare to spend the holidays at her house, you’re not sure the two of you can get through the week without a confrontation. The project you are working on took twice as long as you told the client it would. You can’t afford not to bill for the extra time, but you dread
“But I want to go out!” Andrew repeats. After several more rounds, Doug tries a different approach: “Hey, Andrew. You really want to go outside, don’t you?” “Yes,” says Andrew. Then without further comment, Andrew walks off and begins playing by himself. Andrew, it turns out, just wanted to know that his uncle understood him. He wanted to know he’d been heard. Andrew’s story demonstrates something that is true for all of us: we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough