Baby Laughs: The Naked Truth about the First Year of Motherhood
Jenny McCarthy
Language: English
Pages: 79
ISBN: 2:00224490
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Jenny McCarthy’s hilarious, no-holds-barred personality has made her an instantly recognizable TV personality and a bestselling author. In Baby Laughs she examines the full range of challenges that new mothers face, including:
* The humiliations of postnatal numbing spray,” Tucks medicated pads, and adult diapers; jelly belly, balding, and gum disease; and becoming a five-foot puke rag” for the baby
* Heart-stopping terrors, such as baby manicures, breathing checks, and burp failures
* Inadequacies, such as lullaby illiteracy and the need for a heavy rotation” of toys, videos, and mobiles
* Daddy antics, such as infant wrestling, home-movie mania, sleeping like a log, and expecting sex
* Dueling grandmas, germ-ridden guests, Olympic-class competitive mommies, anorexic pets— and much more. Mothers and fathers will find much-needed relief and insight in this sometimes touching, sometimes gritty, but always perceptive and outrageously funny account of what it truly means to have your very own small bundle of joy.
Until, of course, I changed my 1,000th log-poop diaper. I kinda got used to it. By the “human poo” stage, you get to experience all different kinds of adventures. I was watching my son play with his toys while taking a bath. He was pointing to the duckie, and he said, “Cow.” I was so happy just to hear him say “cow” that I congratulated him. Then he pointed to the next thing and said, “Cow.” I said, “No, baby, that’s a leaf…” “Weef…” “No, baby, it’s a leaf. How did that get in the tub?” I
STILL hurt. So she went back to the gyno and told him she thought he stitched her almost shut. The doc took a look down there and smiled. I think my mom still had enough room to land a 747, but she was so tense during sex from not wanting it that it made her feel like her canooter was sewn shut. I remember feeling the same thing about five months after delivery when everything was supposed to be back to normal and we started having sex again. Something was wrong. Not just being exhausted from
hands are going to look like as a grown-up. “Hey, Evan, look how strong and masculine and even hairy your hands are gonna be.” I’m sure he’ll be proud. Within a few days of coming home from the hospital, I noticed that my son had some scratches on his face. I hadn’t introduced him to the dogs yet so I knew it didn’t come from them. Then one day I caught him in the act. He had some bad gas pains that made him cry, and he clenched up and dug his nails into his cheek. He didn’t know that he was the
sitting watching Oprah with my mom and she said, “Oh, Jenny,” and I said, “I know, Oprah’s haircut is the one you were talking about.” She said, “No, honey, look at your boobs.” I looked down and saw that I had leaked through my shirt. BAD!! It was the grossest wet T-shirt contest ever. So I got up to take a shower (because that milk is so sticky) and when I got in, the hot water surrounded my breast and milk started squirting out like it was a showerhead. It seemed as if there wasn’t just one
realize that everyone at your shower bought you things like baby booties with bows on them instead of the essentials. Let’s face it, your aunts know that no one is going to “Ooh” and “Ahh” over a box of diapers and baby wipes. The shower is their moment to show off. They want to feel proud as everyone watches you hold up the handmade cross-eyed angel with the inscription God Bless This Baby. Which is why, months later, you keep seeing new moms running to the store in panic. When you find